Colin Tipping, author of “Radical Forgiveness” and “Radical Self-Forgiveness,” offers his own method of forgiving one’s self.
According to his ideas, we should presume that what had happened to us and what we have done is what our Soul needs for our development and growth, although we may not understand it. He suggests that it was our Soul that had created the situation we are dealing with in the first place.
Tipping calls this a Soul Contract. When a Soul makes the decision to be born (i.e., to incarnate) in the world, it concludes a kind of contract. And in this contract the experience that we had gone through was provided for.
As a result of the contract’s existence, we had got exactly what we wanted – although it is difficult for us to believe it.
It may seem to us that this or that situation is the worst thing that has ever happened to us, but in fact it gives us the key to healing some deeply hidden injury that hinders our happiness and growth.
– Colin Tipping
The situation itself is what Tipping calls the ‘Dance of Healing’ or the ‘Dance of the Soul’. It can be the dance of a pair if someone else is involved, or a solo dance.
Tipping has developed some special worksheets (one worksheet for self-forgiveness and one worksheet for forgiving others), which have to be filled out in writing, preferably while also pronouncing the answers out loud. The worksheets can be downloaded online here: http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/free-tools/.
From my own personal experience – Tipping’s method is well suited for the forgiveness of others. With self-forgiveness, the situation is somewhat more complicated. Especially when the mistakes that one has made are clearly visible, and when these mistakes have led to consequences that are irreparable or difficult to repair – and not only for oneself, but for others, too. The Soul Contract is a wonderful idea, but one still has the feeling that one had hardly chosen the best of the possible experiences that were available as stipulated by the contract. Especially when there was a choice and that choice depended only on one’s self.
When a person gets into an accident while driving and those close to him/her die as a result, this is a tragedy. But it is force majeure. Although such an event generates a sense of guilt, it is still a force majeure. On the other hand, if the driver that day before the accident decided to drink alcohol and then got behind the wheel, then it is no longer a force majeure. It is difficult to allow for the possibility that all this had been in the Soul Contract.
However, for many people – and I personally belong to their number – self-forgiveness is more difficult than forgiving another.
If a business fails and a lot of money is lost, then there had been specific wrong decisions that have led to such an outcome. In one of the cases that I encountered, a product was purchased (a large quantity of goods) that could not be sold. At the time of purchase everything seemed fine, but, in fact, the whole operation had been rather poorly thought out…
It is my belief that the key to any kind of forgiveness – for oneself or others – is to find the meaning of the event that has occurred. Tipping suggests we accept that we cannot understand this meaning, because this meaning is in our Soul’s territory, and our Soul understands it very well. This point of view is well suited for force majeures and events, albeit extremely unfavorable, over which we did not have any power. But it is badly suited for cases when one clearly sees the mistake that has been made, and it is clear that one could have prevented this mistake…
…by getting behind the wheel sober, or spending some time analyzing the business.
But how do we find the meaning of an event? The meaning of any adverse event is not easy to find.
When Churchill lost the parliamentary elections, his wife told him that everything was for the best. “Perhaps,” he replied, “but this best is very well hidden.”
If the meaning is hard to find, then we need to create it!
The meaning of any situation in which we did something wrong can be found in becoming a person who shall not be able to repeat that mistake. And who, when placed in exactly the same situation, will behave completely differently.
If that is the case, then the meaning of a situation lies in the opportunity for us to change ourselves. Dramatically so! And if we succeed, the losses will not have been in vain.
But what does it mean – to change oneself? It means changing, first and foremost, the personality traits that have led to the error.
In other words, it is not a matter of, say, engaging in some business training (although this is of course useful), but it is a matter of changing one’s personality.
As John G. Bennett put it,
I realized that it was only possible to be free of the past by changing oneself so that one would stop being the person who had committed the deeds. A dishonest person does not become honest only by refusing to deceive, but through an inner change, by which he loses the ability to deceive. However, many long years had passed before the meaning of “internal change” was revealed to me.
– “Witness: The Story of a Search”
This is not simple. Rather, it is difficult. But it provides us not only with meaning, but also with the aim of our actions.